JOKES

498. Hidden gems won’t stay hidden forever. Especially if you brag about them.

dealbreaker:

You’re Not Michelle Obama
These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.
I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?
Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?
-Written by BombsForBreakfast

You’re Not Michelle Obama

These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.

I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?

Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?

-Written by BombsForBreakfast

petswhowanttokillthemselves:

“Extinction can’t come soon enough.”

Kirby from Katie in the Buffalo, NY

My talent was the weapon, the power, the way for me to fight. It was the one way I might hope to affect a man’s thinking

“

—	Sammy Davis Jr. (via rulesformyunbornson)

petswhowanttokillthemselves:

“Stop taking your shitty childhood out on me.”

Gauis Baltar from Elizabeth in Richmond, VA

The right moment to scream “Oh Shit!!!!